Saturday, May 27, 2006
Wednesday May 10, 2006
Tomorrow is my birthday, I will be 38 years old. If I was jesus today would be xmas eve... how about that. Maybe I am and maybe it is, somebody should tell me if they know different... So I figure that I MUST be at least half way through my life at this point. I mean, damn, double this and I would be 76. Really, if I reach that, well, enough is enough. I am going to assume that I am on the downward spiral now. So halfway through, that means that 38 years from now, some quiet night, after the senility has worn thin and is no longer amusing, quietly my lovely wife will walk on up to where I am sleeping, she may give me one last kiss, and say goodbye... Then, if she does what I hope she will, the pillow will come down and slowly my life will end, and begin again... Oh, he died in his sleep, they will say... my lovely wife will say that I had had a good day and nothing seemed amiss. I hope she feels good about what she did... no need to tell the kids... yeah... So what should I do with this, the last half of my life? I am going to assume that the second half will be better than the first... kinda making a run to the finish, gonna lean into it, try to come out on top. No need to ramp up, learn the ropes, shit like that. Perhaps a list is in order, yeah, lets see what I can come up with: 1) Go to Mexico 2) Start a new blog (already on that) 3) .... I am no good with lists. "And I was not good with the plans because no one could have planned it like this. But then, the same you might say is true of whoever is responsible for history." So I will most likely continue to trudge through life, wondering if the discontent I often feel is (although of my own making) real enough to other people to be truthful, or am I just being a malcontent. I don't picture myself as a goth, and other people seem to believe that I am an upbeat and happy guy, so what is real? I know that the constant repetition is getting me down. The the same old thing, day after day, is no fulfilling me. I knew what was going to happen yesterday, and I know what is going to happen today, tomorrow, probably, maybe. When things are different I get confused, but even in their difference I know how they are going to turn out. Rarely am I pleasantly suprised. I owe this to having a general lack of suprise left in me. Shock and Awe seem to be missing. I take everything in stride, although I don't always appreciate it... Ahh, and I argue with people in my head. Argue with them all the time. Ex-girlfriends, my wife, sister in law, stranger I will never meet, waiters and waitresses, authorities, the president, the govenor, my parents, my brothers, my brothers friends. I am sure I have argued with you... Hey, that was a list... Ok, so WTF is up with me today? Well, check this out... I had to get up last night, bit after 2am, to take care of some business. Because of the Wellbutrin I have trouble falling asleep and staying asleep so I was a little concerned... I was back in bed around 2:30am and was thinking about how I had an hour and a half before I had to get up. I fell asleep pretty quick as far as I remember... So, I had this dream. It started out so beautiful. I was in bed, the sheets were cool, the comforter was warm and I was comfortable. Very comfortable. I could see myself laying there, in my dream, wife laying beside me, covers were nice and neat, not bunched up... Cozy... then I dreampt the alarm was going off, I had to get up already... I was not ready for this, I was happy where I was, I was still tired, but I knew I had to force myself up. I was SO sad, very emotional, you know how you get in dreams... I remember crying that I had to go through this all over again... And then I actually really woke up, the alarm WAS going off, and I WAS tired, and I really did not want to get up... My dream was carrying over, I still had that super sad feeling, plus reality was dictating that I do what I had dreampt about... does that make sense? It makes for a very frustrating day, very surreal... It put me in a "mood". So I am trying to snap out of it. Trying to turn it all around, find my happy spot... I am still looking... Posted 5/10/2006 at 10:31 AM |
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Friday May 5, 2006
Yeah, ok...
Posted 5/5/2006 at 3:4 PM |
Thursday May 4, 2006
Got some good sleep last night, when I finally fell to sleep (asleep)... I figured I would have trouble so I took some melatonin, then a couple advil... oh, had some Kava Kava tincture and a beer... seemed to do the trick... at first... Fell to sleep for an hour then woke up when DNA got home, was awake for a hour or so after that... Seein' as how I have it all figured out I knew I would be tossin' and turnin' for a while and not sleeping, so I got up and watched Monty Python... So anyway, yeah, slept, so much for my nightime routine, fascinating I know... Up and at them this morning, coffee... made a pb&j for lunch... drank coffee... left... hhmmnn.. So there was this crazy insane dude on the bus this morning... He was so crazy that the tranny actually got off the bus at the last stop before the city... so this guy, he was talkin' to himself, arguing a bit... but not all the time... he would sit there all quiet, kinda lookin' around crazy like, then... his hands would FLY into the air, like eagles, soaring on the updrafts... he would shake his head like a mighty lion and jibber-jabber like a mighty warrior from the jibber-jabber tribe... and then he would be quiet... He had 3 bars of soap and a bunch of lotto tickets... and cough drops... Today, the sausage was on the bus, sitting there sleeping, all magnificent and shit... mighty forehead shiny in the dawn... wranglers rolled up just about 3 times... his shoes have velcro straps... I imagine his pudgy fingers can't work the intricacies of over and under and the train through the tunnel... so he gets up to get off the bus at the first stop in the city, which I mentioned is earlier than his usual stop... he is standing right in front of me... I looked up, I could see him glancing at me out of the corner of my eye... he saw me looking he turned a bit more towards me, and bowed his head down... YES!!! he acknowledged me as the mighty Silver Back and his lord and master... my bus dominance is complete... I am the power and the glory in my mighty rolling ecosystem... my daily commute will rock, henceforth... Speaking of insanity... It has come to my attention that drinking many cups of coffee during the day, while taking wellbutrin... well, it ain't good... not good at all... not sure how bad, but, yeah... I found this, which accurately described me yesterday and to some extent, the day before: Limit caffeine (for example, tea, coffee, cola) and chocolate intake. Use with this medicine may cause nervousness, shakiness, rapid heartbeats, and anxiety.... So, Damn, what a delicate ecosystem this is... Taking wellbutrin to stop smoking, if I take wellbutrin to stop smoking I have to stop drinking coffee or I will freak, if I don't drink any coffee I will be dangerously low on the caffeine content and will freak, fuck... So this lonely weekend, I have 3 frozen pizza's in the freezer... I am going to miss my family while they are gone... I miss them while they are here... check this out... So from 4 in the morning, when I get up, till 4:30 in the afternoon, when I get home... I have very little interaction with my family, during the week... I am going to round this off to 60 hours a week... from 4:30 till 9:00 in the evening I get to see my kids... I will call that 25 hours... so during the work week, I spend roughly 2/3's of my time with people that I don't love... That's fucked up... so on a bad week I get to see my wife for a little more than a hour a day... from the time I get home till the time she leaves... lets say 1.25 hrs x 4 days... 5 hours... she is a busy girl... During the week, I am tired, by Friday I am beat... in bed early and sleep in, clear till 6am, what a lazy bastard I am on the weekends... I am tired, the wife is tired cause she has been up all day with the kids and then has to leave when I get home to do her other stuff... I miss her and the things we used to do... which, of course, makes me resent sitting here listening to people talking about the latest episode of Lost or America's top model or some other prime time tv that I know nothing about... So, as I recap, I don't drink (much), don't smoke (3 days straight), don't see my family (enough), resentment reigns supreme, and I will have a lonely weekend to think about all this... Funny (not funny haha): I am not depressed, I am like Mr. Spock, I am seeing these things and logically considering them... it's just that my logic is not always, uh, based in reality... Posted 5/4/2006 at 11:12 AM |
Wednesday May 3, 2006
Oh, Yeah... Dude, I was so hoping to come in today and report triumphantly that I had taken that last smoke, broke it up, stomped on it, pee'd on it and cursed it... but I didn't... I was afraid that I would come in today, all sheepish like, and admit that I had broke down... heh, but I didn't... it was temptin... I easily could have, had myself convinced that it is all about taking baby steps, that slippin' ain't necessarily fallin'... that is would only make 3 for the day, which less than half of normal... it is like there is a little devil inside of me, one of many, actually, but this one is sitting there coming up with schemes on how get in a smoke... reasons to go to the store, places where I may have hidden one in the past, how GREAT it would be... it is also that, the idea of how great it would be... oh, but I know, I know that it actually would not be that great... it isn't a tall drink of cool water... it isn't some quick fix of smack that calms all the screaming nerves... no, it tastes bad, and if anything the rush is over the top... no, it really would not be slipping between cool sheets... Where was I? Oh, so yeah, anyway, that one lone smoke is still in my pocket... I am thinking about being like the princess in Still Life with Woodpecker... gonna hold on to it, look deep into it, keep it around for a while... it is easy... I don't have any fire, and when that little devil in me starts talkin' crap I just say no... I am just turning that yes yes yes into no... So I am light headed, my muscles ache (probably the oxygen they are suddenly getting), periodically I get weird stabbing pains here and there, just for a moment... but between it all, for a moment here or there, I have clarity... it is beautiful... cool blue reason, calm and collected... I remember how good it felt not to be smoking last time... good times, I am looking forward to that... so the clarity, yeah, and the tingling (did I mention I get all tingly), crazy good... Hey, so I get home last night, mind working overtime because of all the crap above (remember) and I somehow just knew what I would be walking into, and sure enough, there it was... The youngest child was crying and crying and crying and crying, and screaming and the other child was plugging her own ears and making strange noises to drown out the screaming and the old lady is doin the discipline thing (timeouts are SO painful) and I was all like FUCK!!!!! It was seriously reverberating in my head... bouncing back and forth, I almost cried... and it wouldn't stop, or it didn't take that long, I have no concept of time... eventually, sometime later, it was all over... oh, yeah, but I seriously thought that I was being tested, or challenged, or tortured... the dude was sending some strife my way to see how I would react... I should have done something erotic, yeah, erotic... got up and done my erotic love dance, undulate and shit... that would have tossed everything up in the air... DUDE, there is like a Million Pound Pork Sale going on at Top Foods... for real.. the ad came in the mail... so you people crying for the animals, imagine this, say they had previously been people, returned as pigs to attone for their evil lives... so they live as pigs and die as pigs, their Karma played out... so this Million Pound Pork Sale is really a Liberation sale... Freeing the masses... On to better things, piggie, and thanks for being so tasty... imagine, that pig I ate could potentially come back and be my best friend in a future life... The cycle continues... I am helping that being advance... one day, that sausage I am eating, could be enlightened... and I had a part in that... I am MIGHTY!!! ***** It is a couple hours later now... the sun has risen and I am sitting here on the edge of my seat... Feel full of dread... anxious and ready to slap someone... can see no joy in the near future... Funny, I can see everyone elses lives spinning around me... at least superficially... and it really doesn't seem to relate... Weird, it all seems to literally be spinning around me, like on strings with me at the center and occasionally one or another of them will bounce off of me... no impact, no mark, boing... sad, really... heh, what a lonely boy, eh? With the family gone this weekend, I am going to meditate on being alone... hopefully I will not be bouncing off the walls... Meditate, eat pizza, master my own domain, have a beer... then in the afternoon... Posted 5/3/2006 at 12:34 PM |
Tuesday May 2, 2006
Wrote a bunch of crap (I gotta stop saying that, it's like telling your wife you bought her a present but its on back order) but it felt, I don't know, self helpy or something... Basically, I have one smoke left and instead of smoking it I am going to assert my dominance over it and break it... may shake my fist and swear at it too... Damn, ok, so this wellbutrin, I enjoy it, and by enjoy I mean it doesn't make me feel bad, and I got energy... but it has some interesting side affects that I have been experiencing... So light is really bright, yo... overpowering at times... yeah.. Also, I get this muscle that twitches on the back of my head, right around where the spinal column starts, starts there and works its way down to my should blades, like a shiver... I am not having seizures... I feel VERY amorous, but don't I always, nevermind... Uh, not sleepy? How you say? Uh, so I went to bed around 9 last night, laid around and must have fallen asleep, kinda... mind was working overtime, not a good thing... so I wake up for real around 12:30, toss and turn trying to get back to sleep, finally got up around sometime or other and had a smoke (dammit) then was back in bed at 2am... fell asleep and had the most fantastical dreams... alarm goes off at 4am and I am up and at them (up and at 'em, say it)... Feel fine for it... so, yeah... interesting being me right now... I can only imagine what my lovely wife is going through... she seems to be taking it in stride, but now that we are completely out it is go time... Hang tough, baby... So yeah, my dreams, some of the images are still hanging on, some of them are just kinda fleeting thoughts... Not even going to try a describe them... 'cause I don't understand them... but they were the complete opposite of the wicked evil thoughts running through my brain when I couldn't sleep... its trippin me out... Yeah, man, they'll never catch me now... I was doing some covert opps the other night, you know, under the cover of darkness, slinkin around, a little low level espionage... heard a car backfire, sounded like a gunshot, I hit the deck, heart was pounding, thoughts racing, I knew as soon as I hit the deck that it wasn't a gunshot, but the adrenaline was pumping... that goddamn cat from next door came up, I always felt sorry for that little bastard, so I broke his neck... picked it up, gently, it was still warm, it would never hurt again, I placed in near the neighbors rear door, hopefully the devil child next door will find it and be traumatized for life, so I kept on creepin', up the rocks, over the fence, through the shrubbery.. yeah, espionage... HOLY SHIT!!! a racoon... Damn, big mother, too... back up slowly, keep your head down, let it feel that it has dominance and there will be no fight... What?!?! over to my left, there was another on, younger... shit, a mother and its baby... don't get between them, don't smell delicious, they will eat anything... back back back... slide it back home... the embassy will have my head for this, they do not accept failure, I am going to have to disappear... will get home, wake the family up, pack up anything we can carry, shred some documents, make some coffe, then torch the place... we will go to Mexico, or Guatemala, become the Rodriquezes... I will be Amaldovar Rodriquez, my wife, Stefania... No, Rita, yes, Rita Rodriquez... the girls will be Lola and Buttercup... we will raise sugar and hogs... I will always be looking over my shoulder, at least I will be eating hog... Posted 5/2/2006 at 11:29 AM |
Monday May 1, 2006
You know you're something special and you look like you're the best... An hour has gone by, but it feels like 3 hours... time is soooo freaky now... it seems like a task, a long, drawn out task that takes no effort but forever to complete... like moving a pile of sand, one grain at a time... full of anticipation, I am... the anticipation is strong in this one... So I had a talk with the head howler monkey that lives in my ass the other day... I was all like, yo, whats the deal, why you gotta come jumpin outta my ass like that and make me look bad... He howled at me a bit (thats what howler monkeys do), flung some poo at me (they also do this) and finally settled down... Seems that they were upset because I had been telling people that they were African monkeys... they are actually South American or "New World" monkeys... I was all like, WTF... thats what this is all about? You randomly jump outta my ass and fling poo just because I was telling people you were from the wrong place?!? That just ain't right... The head monkey, he looked a little sheepish at this and I could tell that there was something on his mind... he was kinda just lookin' at the ground and pickin at his butt and smelling his finger now and then... I was all full of empathy and shit and was all like, hey, spit it out, tell daddy what the problem is... He didn't want to say, but I was persuasive (like I am known to be) and he finally kinda whispers something about being bored and a little homesick and wanting to go home, but they couldn't get there on their own, and they get all upset when they come outta my ass and find that I am still in the same old place, doing the same old thing, and not down around the equator... I was all like, well hey, I didn't tell you to crawl up my butt... He shot back that there was a lot more room in there now that I had pulled the stick out... I smacked him and poo splattered all over the place... He laughed... So Saturday I pulled out like 10 t-shirts from my closet, all with beer and/or other alchohol related stuff on them... That leaves me with 3 or 4 that I could not bear (beer, heh) to part with... Time to freshen up the wardrobe, eh... Some of the shirts in my closet are like 10 years old, and I am still wearing them... ain't that a shame??? DNA has some killer clothes in her side of the closet, I got crap... yeah, in the mood for a cool change... Damn, now that I think of it, even the chirren have some super fancy clothes, they always dress to kill... I still look like the slob I was back in my community college days... Shit, I am on a roll, so much to change, I wonder who I will end up being when I am done... I hope I will be like a combo of Johhny Depp and Nick Cage... or Dave Navarro and Ryan Phillipe... Yeah... Posted 5/1/2006 at 11:21 AM |
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